Queen of the Goblins

O - i find it funny cause you have a tendency to go towards..you know
Diana - what
- older men
- i do not. I may have in the past but that has changed, now i'm into twenty somethings
- really
- yea
- ok. I'd like to have fun again like, when i was younger, parties used to be so much fun. When i was in my early twenties
- that's true. You are old. you oldie
- yea..i used to go out in my dandy suits..smoke cigars in my
- haha yea
- one of those, long white curly wigs we wore
- haha oh my god
- what
- my ex wore one of those

Quote of the night

[after the Ice Bar]

[for the 20th time]
- I think you should come to my flat, you haven't seen it yet
- Oh I know what I will do. I'll go sleep with you. I'll wear only whipped cream
- Great! Let's get a cab. Taxi! taxi...wait..babes were you joking?
- Of course I'm joking

at the beach

me: [points at super cute little blonde guy] That's my new boyfriend
my sister: your new boyfriend has taken his swimming trunks off and started peeing
me: Ew! well he'll learn
my sister: now your new boyfriend is on top of his daddy

my sister: Diana you have chocolate on your toes. What have you been doing??
me: I ate a cookie

Victoria & Diana's adventures Day out 4

[walking down the street, we see a cutie]

Victoria - Make a noise. Quack to him
Diana - I thought you were gonna say Miaow or something sexier
Victoria - Do the elephant!

Diana - I have this friend visiting...I can be with him 2pm to 5am, I told him. It's just my schedule
Victoria - Yea I know. I'm gonna make that my schedule it's a really fun schedule

[in the club sitting down, we exchange guys]

VIctoria - talk to him..
Diana - wait, am I a japanese pornstar to this one?
VIctoria - no just normal

Guy1 - Are those guys your bodyguards?
Victoria - We prefer to call them security

VIctoria - How many pinkheads are needed to open a front door at 8am? Two.

[on our way back from the club Victoria's ankle was hurting so we went to the hospital. There we found this weirdo who was drunk and sitting in the waiting room for no apparent reason]

Victoria - So what are you doing in this hospital?
Weirdo - I...was...coming..drinking..too much drinking..coming to hospital
Diana - He says he was on his way to the Windmill*
Victoria - oh you got lost while you were going to the Windmill

[*The Windmill is a strip club in London]

Weirdo- Boyfriends..it's important that they go far. Do you wanna go far
Vic's pretend boyfriend - Uh I'm good
Victoria - Darling I don't know if i'm gonna love you forever if you don't wanna get far!
Diana - My boyfriend got really far. He's so far I don't see him anymore

[on our way back home, at 9pm!]

Truck Driver - How much, love?
Diana - a 1000 per hour. And a lambourghini

This is us that night. Me eating Victoria:

[night out at Proud, Camden with Victoria]

D- He has a girlfriend
V- He's so cute!
D- That's why I'm telling you

Victoria & Diana's adventures Day out 3

V- Four...
D - Are you counting?
V- Sort of
D- Okay let's count. Five
V- Six

D - Why don't you take your t shirt off?
Bobby - You do it
D - No I don't wanna touch you

D - Hands off! I'm gonna put some ice down your pants
Bobby - What?
D - This
Bobby - hey!

Bobby - Kiss me on my cheek again?
D - No, you are the worst cheek kisser i've ever met.

Bobby - You smacked me really hard

Bobby - My girlfriend is a goat
D - My boyfriend is a panther
Bobby - I was joking
D - I'm not
Bobby - that's crazy
D - You're the one who's fucking a goat.

Bobby - you want me to get you a drink?
D - No thanks, I pick up them up from the tables for free
Bobby - oh. Can you get a drink then?

[After club, on the street walking on the wrong direction]
V - Hi construction guys! Do you know anywhere around here where we could go eat?? we're STARVING. I don't care what kind of food, I'll eat anything
D - She'll eat anything
V - Can you guys pose for a photo with me?

Black guy - I am from Jamaica
D - I am from Jamaica, too!
Black guy - oh hey

[at McDonalds]
D - Nice to meet you come with us. Are you gay though? We only go with gay guys
Gay Guy - Yes i am actually haha
D - oh that's great, we too. High five!

[getting home]
D - I'm not drunk I'm just really, really happy hahaha
V - Gosh Diana, you look happy! Here gimme the key, I'll open

V - Look at me, I'm huge since I came here with all this food. This is what this house does to you! It gives you boobs. You've had dinner, you might grow some boobs tomorrow
D - I'd love that

V - What did you do..? Did you change your hair tone?
D - No I changed my skintone
V - Oh
D - That's why my hair looks kind of weird
V - Yea..
D - I was trying this self tanner, i woke up and was like oh my god I'm a black woman!

well put

"Art can create lasting change in our perception of the world: music, books, painting, plays, movies.

Stripping just gives you a boner....!

I'm not saying it has nothing to it, but it has no lasting value. I feel the same about fashion. People speak of fashion as if it is an art form , but it's not, it's a craft. A Shakespeare play still has the power to increase our awareness of human consciousness. An Elizabethan gown - it's just a museum piece. It doesn't tell you anything, except people used to wear silly, uncomfortable clothes."

John Lucas

Marcus - I have a theory. I've been using my decoding powers
Diana - Men have no such powers...

John - somehow i do not see your wedding being a standard affair

Diana - On my birthday, i don't want to do anything or see anyone
John - we're a bundle of social joy aren't we

Carlo - But you have GUNS don't you
Diana - No!
Carlo - Oh too bad. Use scissors

After Nickelback show

V- What are you doing..?
D- I've just drank vodka through my nose, i don't know how this happened

D- Edward, how is your name pronounced, Ed-uhard or Edwaohrd
E- Warren
V- I thought he was Andrew. I've been calling him Andrew
D- I kinda prefer Edward

E- Can I ask you a question?
D- No i don't answer anything without my interview coach

D- Fine we'll go to a strip club. But gentlemen I have to warn you, we're a 1000 per hour

M- What would you like to drink?
D- Chai Latte
V- Stop it you can't order Chai Latte at 2 in the morning in a club

Chinese Guy- Okay from what I can tell, your boyfriend is not white- his skin is caramel color- and has dark brown eyes and long brown hair
D- You are good.

M- So where are you girls heading to?
D- To a casino
V- No we weren't?
D- Shh stick to the story

D- Also casinos don't close until 5.30 so we can stay until then..No wait- that's when the tube starts. I guess that's why I leave at 5.30?
M- Shut up you're drunk

M- Hey. You took your clothes off
D- All the other girls did it
M- Well it's a strip club

- Do you need a car lady?
D- No we want to get a bicycle

- How old are you?
D- Fifteen
- You're too young
D- I'm not fifteen you doo doo head, can't you see I'm 23?
- Okay come in
- Thank you

Quote of the Day

- For not having seen your boyfriend in three weeks, you look really happy...!
- I AM happy! I'm in new painkillers and they seem to be working

- I'm in a strip club! Yay
- haha yay. I'm with two prostitutes

some woman- whew! i'm so tired, I just did a marathon!
D- Oh did you go to the marathon this morning? I missed it!
some woman- what? no i went up and down the stairs two floors at Gucci
D- oh

- This you're taking is my favorite item of the collection (at Ralph Lauren. Sales assisant says of my jacket, which happens to be the most expensive item of the collection)

text of the day

"u trying to tell me you've stopped your exhibitionist tendencies? i don't believe it for a second"

by Tommy

more little cousin

- Are you running the 5km race this year Diana?
- yea!
- great. I ran with carlota last year but you're way more fun
- more fun why?
- Well all your sister did was run and when you and me do it we chat the whole way and stuff, and chatting is more fun
- oh i agree

[houseparty]

D- Sorry can you show me the way to the bathroom?
Host - Yes just over here [opens door to a bedroom] Oops that's not it

D- So is this some kind of housewarming party?
N- Kind of
D- When did you move here?
A- Two years ago

D- Sorry we're monopolizing the bedroom..we'll be out in a sec

- you are so bad
D- you know I'm bad. Pun intended
- very funny

D- Where are you I've been trying to reach you we're awfully late!
M- I'm at home
D- Oh okay-
M- Kidding I'm at the station
D- NO! I'm still home! then I'm late!

 

- I'm [insert foreign name that i could only understand as "hjhjhjh"]
D- Good to meet you. Can you spell that out?
- yes [insert super strong foreign accent that sounded like jjjjjjjjjjjj]
D- okay... I'll find you a nickname

Me & 9 yr old Little Girl cousin

LG- Can we play teacher?
- Okay. I thought you were doing that with Carlota
- Yea but she's boring. Oh I know, I'll be your ASSISTANT
- Yes!!

- what are you doing with the calculator?
LG- adding up the ages of the women in our family. How old is your mom?
- I dunno
LG- I'll take that as a 50

[going through pictures of my iphone contacts]
LG- Who's this one?
D - A friend..model
- Why is he half naked?
- He's modelling. Do you like him?
- I'm not sure about the muscles
- Me neither. less muscles, right?
- I was thinking a couple more
- More?? are you crazy? Look at his face though. He's cute
- Yea he is cute..except for the mole. Why is he taking pictures of himself putting on clothes anyway??
- Oh come on it's just a little mole, i didn't even see it...
- Oh here's your ex.....sooooooo cute. He's hot.
- Yea he is
- Go back with him. Look at him! no mole...soo cute. Looks soo sweet. Looks like such a good guy. Doesn't have gay pictures of him putting on clothes.
- you're blushing, you don't even know him...
- i like rockstars. Got any more?
- Any more what?
- Hot men in your friends
- you are NINE

[Text messages with oliver]

O- I'm gonna text you a picture of my new girlfriend
D- ok

D- She's a keeper
O- She likes my chocolates
D- I bet!
O- She's 10 times the woman you are
D- or the man...
O- Shut up, that's glandular

best text of the day goes to...

OLIVER!

"I've got about 7 less lovers than you. But at least I can stay in and work on my tan"

oliver you're funny

overheard

F- Since we've started dating other people-
L- Have we?
F- Oh haven't we?

-----------------------------------

- I have a new multiple boyfriends rule.
D- Oh really
- It's like multiple orgasms but with different people

I love the bluntness of some people

- Hey...wanna do dinner tonight then?
- I'm already sleepy i had to wake up way too early this morning
- Poor you... Can you be ready by 9?

Five stars : )

Dedicated to my slow friends

Text messages, yesterday.

- John quick call 310 894 -----------. Lindsay was just hacked on twitter!
[20 hours afterwards]
- Hi x I'm not on twitter
- Aw you missed it. I know, that was a regular phone number
- Are you back in Spain?
- No, i live in London...
- oh. the number looked foreign
- Lindsay's? it was a US number. Mine is a regular 07 number
- oh was that lindsay's cell??
- of course you dum dum!

[chatting to my dear friend John (from Quote The Raven]

J- a blog! You have a humour that some will get and some won't. There is no pretense in you, you say as you see and you are honest about what plays on your mind

J- Do you have your eye on a guy now or are u taking a break?

D- i'm not really one to take breaks, i'm constantly dating...but there's nobody i like right now

J- hahaha. He will appear

J- You like the chase most or the relatiosnhip?

D- hmm both

D- the chase happens either way

D- but it's not really fulfilling

D- just a mood lifter

J- now that's a Diana answer

J- its always interesting to me how women see men when they are in love

D- it is interesting

D- in love or not, I rarely notice men, to be honest

D- I am a terrible hunter

D - men have to come up to my nose for me to see them

J - haha

D- I'm just so aloof

[On the phone with my little sister aged 15. She's just fabulous!]

- So how are you doing with your boyfriends
- Diana...I don't have any boyfriends..
- You don't? I don't believe you..
- Also you told me I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend until i was TWENTY!
- Oh, that's right I did. I'm glad you remember and I do hope you're following my advice
- yeaa
- Yea but wait you're not fooling me....you're not doing very well, you KISSED someone last summer! I didn't kiss anybody until I was like nineteen
- ARGH whatever. Diana listen to me.. he was.... [whispering] really..... hot
- Was he?
- Yea...like, reaaaally hot! i didn't know what else to do!
- Oh okay FINE. I'll make an exception there, I understand your situation, sometimes you just have to if they're really hot, or if they're singers.. but ONLY with really hot ones, got it?
- Yea. Only REAALLY hot.
- Really

"I better not love you. It will be cheaper" F. C.

"I'm not a fan of meditation. It seems unproductive. I'd rather just sleep" Connie

[3am]

- You're not gonna let me sleep in your couch? you're a lunatic.
D- i might be a lunatic but you're the one sleeping in the corridor

---------------

- do you want something to drink?
D- it's kinda late
- Yea you're right. Water? spirit? have a water
D- okay coke
- okay a coke. With ice?
D- no, with jack daniels

---------------

[out for a drink with my friend Alexander near Piccadilly. I give him to listen my latest track]

A- Oh dear. Everybody's thinking.."that relationship is so over. The guy's listening to his iPod" haha!

D- Oh look there by the bar!
A - What? I don't see it
D- A snowman! thats so cute
A- Yea i think that's the waitress that waited there for too long

[at Selfridges, randomly taking an inside walk after tea. On the stairs going up]
- what can we do...
- underwear section?
- yea...let's go check out lingerie
- oh oh look that's soooooooo cute!!!
- the strollers? baby section!
- yeaaaaaa! i second that
- i'm tempted as you wouldn't believe. But no come on seriously. It's full of moms.
- would you abort if it happened?
- probably. yea
- yea me too. I do want babies but I want to control how they look like
- you can't do that
- you can, sort of
- Let's do underwear
- i love shopping for lingerie
- yea. i should probably check at home first, see what i have and what i actually need
- i never go for what i need, i go for what i fancy
- true
- what you need is no fun. Who needs a blue silk bra with holes on the nipples? I don't but I really, really want it. if i went for what i NEED, i'd be dating dorks that would adore me and take me everywhere, instead of popular boys who totally ignore me. But then i want them. We should go for the dork type
- I went for the dork! I was better and I knew it. I went for the dork, exactly because of what you're saying.
- maybe you went for a wrong dork. You have to choose a dork who likes you a lot, not just a guy who's generally retarded, honey
- i know
- but then. I think yours is a cool one in disguise. Or maybe he doesn't realise he's in the dork category
- haha yea
- I'm strangely attracted to actors
- since when, rockstar?
- since yesterday
- oh shut up. You moan now, just imagine being with someone that you don't ever see
- I know. Ah the challenge
- no it's stupid Diana, seriously. Stop being silly
- I'm just kidding. I'm still in love. But just for a giggle
- sure

-----------------

- i'm a snake?? i never thought i was a snake! how am i a snake
- oh my god you are. I'll tell you why. You're the kind of snake that doesn't kill people, but you'll DEVOUR someone for your own sense of humor

-----------------

At Boots

- I love coming here and just browsing
- I'm getting some vit C..which one should I get?
- Get the 1000 one. Oh look at this.."relieves pain..no more crying...feel better instantly" and they're chewable! I think I need this. This sounds really good
- what kind of drug are you looking at?
- I don't know. Where does it say the name?
- Turn it around. "Teething Aid"?

K- did you get my email? I need photos of attractive guys for this story project..I thought, since you know a few..
D- oh I don't know
K-come on.
D- I really don't have that many. Okay let me have a look at my iphone contacts... How do u want them? Tall/thin/broad? Dark/white? We can use Mark, remember mark? Sweet
K- no Mark is too blonde, I need them to look spanish. Something a bit darker than Mark
D- okay, spanish-looking...Here. Have Peter
K- is this your ex?
D- no a different Peter. He's from southamerica, and he is really cute.
K- hot. You understand what I need, see? Do you have one of him looking straight at the camera?
D- dunno let me check..don't think so..Oh here. Have Carl
K- wow!! Who's this guy?
D- the gallery guy, I told you about him
K- oh my. And what was the problem with that one? Is he young?
D- nothing, he's cool, he's great. Yea 26. Just not my type..
K- does he fancy you
D- kind of..I guess. I actually turned him down again yesterday!
K- Diana this is your maaaaaaaan! Give him a chance! I mean, look at him. Holy fuck. A gentleman like THAT! Diana he's hot. He'd make you happy, that's what you need. You might fall in love with him afterwards
D- hm. I don't know he's kinda boring for me, I like weirdos. You can have him!
K- haha!

[in a meeting with a producer. He's fantastic]
Diana - (...) or vice versa, if you wish..
R- hahaha! sorry. You are so funny. You were born in the wrong century weren't you
D- haha yes.
R- I mean..look at you..Your carriage is waiting downstairs surely
D- you'd think! Can you believe i got the bus?
R- Not really!

Mom - You have to think about these things. Who would you call if you had an emergency?
D- I don't really know mommy...
Mom - Your boyfriend?
D - He'd be busy or whatever..he wouldn't give a fuck
Mom - Your best friend?
D - Maybe..i don't know. Her battery never works
Mom - Then who? who?? a neighbour?
D - No i must have someone...I think it would either be my first ex....or this random dude who wants to sleep with me
Mom - Great. That's comforting.

Funniest Tuesday afternoon

1. Enter pub with girlfriend

2. Men come over, they tell us its gambling expo. Norwegian.

3. Men come over.

4. Man suddenly holds my left arm, I look to my left, he's smiling but facing forward. There's a line of them to my left. I'm confused. I see a flash. I look in front of me. I've been photographed! I feel like a monument

5. Men come over. Norwegian. Challenge us to sing happy birthday to his friend. Admits he placed a bet on it. What does he do? He's a managing gambler. Duh! I ask him to explain. He says 'he manages slot machines' We sing and get a free drink. Asks if I have a boyfriend? Yes I do. Ignores me. Asks for my number. We get photographed

6. Friend comes over

7. Man from the window is hitting the window. My girlfriend tells me not to look

8. Man comes over. Polish. Introduces himself to everyone at the table, for no apparent reason. Starts speaking polish. Then leaves.

9. All men leave our table. Quiet two seconds. Man comes over

10. Man comes over. Says he's spanish but he's southamerican, maybe Peru. Says he's 22, looks like 35. Bites my waist in a fast movement and leaves

11. Norweigan man from before comes over, proclaims he is 'a protector' and he will shield us from 'all these crazy people' and fight them if anybody else 'attacks us'

12. We leave And it's only 20.30!

Tom - do you really wanna see my wardrobe?
D - yes!
T - this is REALLY gay this we're doing
D - I'm a girl, this is as gay as it gets. Its fine

D- are you cooking with my round tom ford sunglasses on?

-------------------------------------

[At a small lounge club having a chocolate cocktail with my boyfriend W and a few friends of his. 23:00. I go in with my naked lips. I sit down and slap my black gloss all over them. For fun. W, who was speaking to a girl next to him, now turns to me ]

W - hey, your lips changed color

 -------------------------------------

 [By email, texting my dad]

Dad - how much would it cost to get that movie shipped here? Is it expensive
D - doesn't have to be, can be like 2 pounds?
Dad - great then send it to me. Do it so that I get it delivered before noon, use MRW, DHL or one of those companies D - dad if we do it that way its gonna cost like 30 pounds at least

I just found a lady bird in my panties!

[Over loud music. Bar next to the Astoria on closing night]

D- okay Chad. I have your number now so I'll call you
T- oh you remember my name. That's sweet
D- do I? what's your name again?
T- Todd
T - okay. Todd. I was right almost

[Friend. A little under the influence on a Saturday night in Camden]

O- We are very clever. You don't believe me? We jewish, we're like woody allen, all of us

O- I wanna get out of here. This place is so gay
D- what are you talking about? I love it here, I can just sit and firegaze and relax without being bothered every three minutes
O- right. That's because everyone here is gay

- can I buy you a drink
D - no, thanks
- why not. Seriously I'll get you a drink. You owe me nothing
D- I'm sorry but I'm getting one for my boyfriend over there too
- I'll get his too if you let me buy you yours too
D- no! why would you do that? that's silly

F- there are some fine young girls like eighteen dancing over there. babes
D- are there? [turn to friend on my right] Oli you should go dance with those young girls on your right. There, on your right..
O- I don't care for young girls
D- [turns to F on my left] oliver said he's into older women because they're more twisted in bed
F - really?
D- Yea. Aren't you?
F- no I like them young.
D- that's because you're still too young
F- how old are you?
D- thirty-two
F- you're not fucking thirty two...
D- I might not be

[answering my voicemail. A producer]
D - I'm sorry I didn't pick up earlier. I was expecting two dates calls tonight and I wished to answer neither

[Recording with faaaaabulous people]

Simon - let's record some aahs. But not like THAT. You know what I mean
D - hey. You're the one who wrote ''strip me down'', not me!
Simon - true, true...just saying

Simon - That ah was great
D - I did it just for you
Simon - Thank you

Simon - Okay now this..sing it like you're desperate. But not desperate in that sense! you know what i mean!
D - My boyfriend is in Honolulu for three weeks. I'll leave it to you to figure out whether i'm desperate or not
Simon- oh god, you are going to shout this out perfectly

[My friend broke up. They weren't too clear on breaking up. They got together again for dinner. They both want to try again]

D - I can't believe you had that talk. A mature, issue talk.. What did you agree then?
C- Well, we discussed the issues, he agreed there were some..I agreed to be less overwhelming and he agreed to give me more attention. He agreed to more quality time with me and I agreed to give him more space
D- you realise that that's like..the opposite
C- yes. I don't know how we're gonna do this!
D- I don't know either!

[Dinner with my friend Steven, mid-twenties, musician and thrill-seeker. We're having noodles at Wagamama]

S- I was watching this sport where the guys throw themselves from a mountain, only wearing 'wings' between their wrists and ankles. Eventually once they're experiences they can fly along the mountain almost touching the grass with their fingertips..They look like...superheroes! There's no other way to describe it. And I thought, that's something I want to do before I die
D- wow..How long before you die. 6 or 7 minutes before you die?

[Speaking of short attention spans, and my habit of leaving places within twenty minutes of arriving]
S- are you awfully bored yet
D- No..I was thinking. If you weren't here I'd make a ship out of this paper napkin
S- I was actually thinking of making a plane with mine!

 S- How shall we name it?
D- Dorothy!
S- okay so now it's a girl. Now planes sometimes had a picture on the side. A picture of a
D- Duck!
S- Not what I had in mind but a duck will work

S- you know what's really cool for a quiet movie night with your fella. You can get the car and go to one of these movie auto places, some takeaway and
D- I don't have a car here though. But I can get the bus there
S- well I was telling you how I would do it! I guess you can get a cab too

D- I know what you mean. It's good to wear panties
S- I try to steer away of conversations of me wearing panties

[Astoria]

P- What do I know you from?
D- W's girlfriend! Hello!
P- That's IT! Hi! We met at Bungalow 8
D- That's right. So sorry what's your name again? I saw you onstage, but I'm really bad with names
P- Paul
D- That's right!

[After the Last Astoria gig]

S- who is he? is he your friend?
D- i don't know. no
S- why is he following us with his canvas?
D- I don't know!
S- this is all your fault...

S- why is he carrying that canvas?
D- He said he likes painting

S- I can't believe what he's doing, that...weird, drunk...he's not even watching the table...he's winning
D- I know!!

D- Tod, you're doing great
T- i know. I don't know what i'm doing i've never played poker before. you're my lucky charm. I didn't even have money, some guy gave me thirty bucks to start
D- watch, there are things going on in front of you

D - stop sharing your chips! you were doing WELL
T- that's the point of the game babe

S- stronger!
D- okay!
S- ouch but don't hit me in the head!
D- sorry i'm getting excited!
S- that was the worst massage i've ever had. My whole body ACHES now, it was like an 8 year old massaging
D- shut up...

[old man spreads out his palms towards me]
OM- excuse me. Are you the massage girl?
D- no..I was just massaging my friend
OM- oh. But do you read palms I saw you doing it over there?
D- oh not really. It was just an excuse to touch my friend
OM- oh

D- where are you going?
T- I'm gonna take you home
D- no you're not
T- i have to make time, it's too early
D- its 6am

D- I just came back from my boyfriend's gig and now I'm going to leave you at my exboyfriend's house steps. I don't know what part of that sounds appealing to you! i wouldn't wanna be in your situation
T- do you think your ex will mind if i stay at his?
D- YES he will mind!